Natalie Hemsley » MommyWood http://nataliehemsley.com Inside the Life of Natalie Hemsley Tue, 14 Jun 2011 22:16:45 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 The hardest part of being a mom. http://nataliehemsley.com/2010/06/30/the-hardest-part-of-being-a-mom/ http://nataliehemsley.com/2010/06/30/the-hardest-part-of-being-a-mom/#comments Wed, 30 Jun 2010 15:27:29 +0000 Natalie http://nataliehemsley.com/?p=827 I was watching some talk show and Jennifer Lopez was on. I don’t remember which one it was, but the host asked her what the hardest part of being a mom was and she said it was the guilt. At first I didn’t understand what she meant and the host wasn’t sure either. She then explained how when you become a mom you have all this guilt regaurding your child. You have guilt if you have to leave them with someone. You have guilt when they are crying and so on….

It is so incredibly true. I have never felt so much guilt in my life. Just this morning when Josh wanted to let me sleep in a little and he got up and watched her I could not really get back to sleep. I know that he has so much work right now so I felt bad having him watch her. I always feel like its my job to wake up with her in the morning. I kept hearing Nyla make her little noise that she wants something and I looked down the stairs and she was at the bottom of the stairs wanting to climb up to me. I felt so guilty not being there for her.

Another hard one is having to leave her with someone. Luckily we don’t do this very often cause all our family is in California, but I always feel so guilty to leave her with someone to go out and do something without her. Or even just leaving her with Josh at night to go out shopping. I feel so selfish. I know that I am not but why as a mom do we feel guilty for everything?

Must just be one of those things we inherit as moms.

]]> http://nataliehemsley.com/2010/06/30/the-hardest-part-of-being-a-mom/feed/ 2 An ongoing battle… http://nataliehemsley.com/2010/06/25/an-ongoing-battle/ http://nataliehemsley.com/2010/06/25/an-ongoing-battle/#comments Fri, 25 Jun 2010 19:02:49 +0000 Natalie http://nataliehemsley.com/?p=815 I know it’s Summer time and that is supposed to brighten my days, although it is still a little cloudy and cool here in Oregon, but I am just having such a hard time accepting my new life. I sometimes just want to travel back in time and redo some things. I just can’t believe how much my life has changed in 2 years. I just have such guilt for everything that has changed to make me so unhappy. I did everything. I can only be mad at myself and I feel it every single day.  With all this disappointment in my life right now for my life choices it also unfortunately affects my Nyla Breeze. I feel so overwhelmed and unhappy here with dealing with Oregon and also trying to raise a little girl that I feel like I am done having kids. I know that I can be a great mom and I am for Nyla but I think I would not be able to handle having another emotionally. I have no family here to help me which is so hard. I just feel all by myself trying to raise my little one. No one is there for you like your family and I know that I would go insane trying to deal with a little one and a newborn all by myself.

It makes me a little sad for Nyla and Josh cause I know that Josh wants to try for his boy and I am sure Nyla would like a sibling but I am the one that has to mainly raise them and I don’t want to be selfish to have another because I want another and know that I would not be able to give the proper nurture and care that they would need. I know that I can handle one but two I would need some help to keep me sane. Don’t get me wrong I absolutely love being a mommy, but there are times I wish I had some more freedom. I think everything goes back to being in Oregon far away from family that you know would be always offering to watch Nyla without feeling like you are inconveniencing anyone. I feel like this is just another dagger to the heart of being in Oregon. I always wanted 2 kids so it makes me so sad to feel like it isn’t gonna be able to happen. I just wish there was a way out of this mess I made. I have never been so stuck in a situation that there was no one that can help me get out if it cause it is just completely impossible.

I wish there was a way that I can like it here, but I know that is never gonna happen. It is just so hard sometimes to deal with this pain that I feel every single day. I just try and put on a happy face for friends and family but deep down I am just tearing apart inside. I want her to be around her cousin Charlie Rain too. I miss being an Auntie to her. I know these aren’t the funnest blogs to read but at least you aren’t living it. I will try and keep my head up for Nyla Breeze and try to get through these years in Oregon. I know this isn’t permanent like it feels so I can just picture my life back at home. Oh the joy Nyla is gonna have with the beautiful beaches and fun places for her to go. She is gonna have a blast at her grandparents house enjoying all the pools with the great weather they have year round. Seeing my little niece and babysitting her. Taking the two cousins to the beach with Ronie! This is what keeps me going just imagining what it will be like soon enough. I can’t wait!!

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