I know it’s Summer time and that is supposed to brighten my days, although it is still a little cloudy and cool here in Oregon, but I am just having such a hard time accepting my new life. I sometimes just want to travel back in time and redo some things. I just can’t believe how much my life has changed in 2 years. I just have such guilt for everything that has changed to make me so unhappy. I did everything. I can only be mad at myself and I feel it every single day. With all this disappointment in my life right now for my life choices it also unfortunately affects my Nyla Breeze. I feel so overwhelmed and unhappy here with dealing with Oregon and also trying to raise a little girl that I feel like I am done having kids. I know that I can be a great mom and I am for Nyla but I think I would not be able to handle having another emotionally. I have no family here to help me which is so hard. I just feel all by myself trying to raise my little one. No one is there for you like your family and I know that I would go insane trying to deal with a little one and a newborn all by myself.
It makes me a little sad for Nyla and Josh cause I know that Josh wants to try for his boy and I am sure Nyla would like a sibling but I am the one that has to mainly raise them and I don’t want to be selfish to have another because I want another and know that I would not be able to give the proper nurture and care that they would need. I know that I can handle one but two I would need some help to keep me sane. Don’t get me wrong I absolutely love being a mommy, but there are times I wish I had some more freedom. I think everything goes back to being in Oregon far away from family that you know would be always offering to watch Nyla without feeling like you are inconveniencing anyone. I feel like this is just another dagger to the heart of being in Oregon. I always wanted 2 kids so it makes me so sad to feel like it isn’t gonna be able to happen. I just wish there was a way out of this mess I made. I have never been so stuck in a situation that there was no one that can help me get out if it cause it is just completely impossible.
I wish there was a way that I can like it here, but I know that is never gonna happen. It is just so hard sometimes to deal with this pain that I feel every single day. I just try and put on a happy face for friends and family but deep down I am just tearing apart inside. I want her to be around her cousin Charlie Rain too. I miss being an Auntie to her. I know these aren’t the funnest blogs to read but at least you aren’t living it. I will try and keep my head up for Nyla Breeze and try to get through these years in Oregon. I know this isn’t permanent like it feels so I can just picture my life back at home. Oh the joy Nyla is gonna have with the beautiful beaches and fun places for her to go. She is gonna have a blast at her grandparents house enjoying all the pools with the great weather they have year round. Seeing my little niece and babysitting her. Taking the two cousins to the beach with Ronie! This is what keeps me going just imagining what it will be like soon enough. I can’t wait!!
Auntie Ronie June 25, 2010 at 1:26 pm
Natalie,
Keep your head up! I know how it is to go through tough times and not feel you have the strength to carry on. Life sometimes takes a turn and you wonder, why am I here in this place. I know how it is to take a step back and say wow, I never pictured my life like this… but it is. Just know that it won’t last forever… know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and while you would like to see that light now, patience is a virtue that is all too hard to acquire, yet has the most rewarding benefits at the end. We will all be together soon enough. I know you are trying to make the best of what you have, you are an amazing mother and wife! Keep you’re head up, life will pan out the way it is supposed to. And although you want to have another baby, maybe right now just isn’t the time. I know you probably have a timeline of the way you wanted things to occur, but sometimes you just have to give up control and let life happen and unfold regardless of what you had planned. I wish I could have another sibling for Charlie, however, that’s just not in my cards right now, and just like you, with where my life is right now, I emotionally and physically would not be able to handle another child. Even, I, at times, look at the reality of not having anymore children and it makes me sad… but like I said, right now I just possibly cannot do it, and if it turns out that I don’t have anymore later, then so be it… then Charlie will be my princess and I will live to make sure she experiences all the world has to offer her. And yes, sometimes I too, see that I cast my attitude from my burdens on Charlie and that too makes me think I’m a horrible mom, but it also helps me to think, hey, ok, take this time for what it’s worth, life is hard, but as a mother I need to make it enjoyable for Charlie and not let her experience the burdens I am carrying. It’s so hard to pretend that I am doing great and life is happy when deep down inside I am dying, being torn down to my ultimate low, and just want to give up. At times I don’t even want to be with Charlie, I relish at any moment given to me where I can be by myself, and I feel horrible for feeling like that, however, sometimes you just need it to be sane. And although our alone time as mothers, are far and few between, take that time to breathe and pump yourself back up to go back into battle :)… like I said, this won’t last forever. i know you are unhappy sweety, but just remember that this is just a moment in time, and while it seems like forever, there are so many years in the future that we have left to make better that Nyla and Charlie will remember much more than what they or us are going through right now. So stay strong love. Everything will work out and be ok. try to enjoy Oregon for what it is even though you hate it. Try and enjoy being away from the family and having your own space in that sense even though you miss them tremendously. And try to realize that Nyla is just a baby, even at times when you feel like she might be the biggest pill in the world and you feel like giving up. Enjoy your beautiful home and your hard working husband, I mean hey, you could be in Cali with a deadbeat in a beat down apartment… hahaha… just kidding. I love you Natalie!! If you ever need to talk or just vent, please know that I am here for you at anytime.
Marissa June 27, 2010 at 8:46 pm
Natalie, do not be so hard on yourself! Coming from someone who can completely relate to all of your frustrations please know you are not alone. I spent 3 years dealing with the same things (except I didn’t have little D then). It got to the point where me and Doug recognized that it was best for both of us if I came home to visit whenever I had the chance (and Doug came with when work allowed it!). I wasn’t afraid to go without him because it was great for me mentally to see everyone and “recharge”. If it is in your budget, do not be afraid to come to SoCal to see your family (and get your much needed alone time!!) even if Josh cant make it.
It is what saved me and gave me something to look forward to when we lived so far away! And I understand how you feel like you never get a break. As another married mom (who 90% of the time plays single parent thanks to the stupid coast guard!) you NEED, NEED, ABSOLUTELY NEED to take time for yourself. Do not feel bad at all. You are human and all moms need to remember that they count too and if you are in a better place, then that is better for Nyla!! I, too, feel bad for leaving my little man for others to watch…even if I leave him with my own mom! LOL. I just know how demanding my little man is so I feel like I am always rushing to get back to get him when someone else watches him. I have had to learn to get past it. I know you have great group of friends up there and do not feel bad for asking for them to watch Nyla while you take a couple hours to do everything or nothing!! :-) Or even consider trading babysitting so you both benefit.
I hope you know that you are not alone in all of this. Our circumstances are slightly different but we all struggle with feeling like something is missing. Sometimes I think to myself that I would rather live in Michigan again if it meant Doug was home every night with us. I feel like little D is missing out on bonding with his dad but I cant let it get to me because I don’t have control over it. Things will eventually change but I have finally accepted this is my reality now. But do not get me wrong…there are days where I get mad that Doug isn’t here, and I am having to do it all on my own. Remember you are allowed to feel how you feel and if you ever need to vent, know I am here and will complete understand!!!! :-)